That is an entirely misleading title, I apologize.
It’s just that that’s how I felt as I boarded my plane in Hanoi to take me back to Bangkok for the next leg of my journey.
The truth was though that I wasn’t going to be alone. In fact someone was waiting for me at the gate on the other end. He had prepared a place for us to celebrate Christmas away from home and was very excited to see me.
I confess I was finding it hard to be excited. I was in shock from leaving all of the things and people I’ve become used to. The people and things I’d fallen in love with.
As Christmas got closer and closer I began to dread it more and more. The things that I love about Thailand were less obvious to me in the suburbs of Bangkok.
In me I felt a shut down. All of the momentum felt dead.
This week wasn’t easy at all as many different dreams began to fade and evolve into new things, painfully cleaving away plans and allowing what needed to happen happen.
I began to realize how much I’d changed over the months of being on the road and how I was no longer the Hannah that left Bristol in September, or the Hannah that left DC in May.
These changes, while important and right, were causing an inordinate amount of pain that kind of blindsided me.
Then I experienced a new kind of grace. A new kind of forgiveness.
As I poured my heart out to the faithful friend who had come to be with me he saw my pain and forgave me the not meeting of expectations. He forgave the gargantuan shift in plans and heart. He let me go completely from the promises I had made and told me to forgive myself.
I don’t think I’ve seen kindness quite like that before. It was like Jesus was sat in front of me covered in unconditional love.
I’m so grateful. It seems so apt on Christmas Day to celebrate that kind of expression of love.
It has also made me realize the times I have failed to do that for others.
The times I might have held them ransom to the promises they couldn’t keep.
For that I’m so sorry.
From now on I am going to try to honor those people around me in a way that says:
‘You owe me nothing. You can do nothing to earn more of my love. You are enough.’
So I guess for now I really am going it alone. Unexpectedly but rightly and I’ll be carrying yet another beautiful lesson with me.
What a wonderful life this is.